Dodu Nims

The world as seen by Nimo!

“The troubled child”

I believe some people are specially made in heaven when God made them, he took special time to give them the capacity to feel things deeply and also express them deeply. When I met Maria, I came out of the meeting feeling both encouraged and uplifted. If anything, I was the one who was supposed to make her feel this way, but the tables turned.

Maria loves, and she truly loves, she loves you deeply to the core, In a way that you start doubting if you love yourself enough. She loved, loved this handsome stud so much, the stud was territorial, they did everything together and literally, no light or darkness or day separated them. They were codependent. A few months shy of their fifth anniversary, he suddenly ended things, and she felt like a rib had been stolen from her. She couldn’t exist without him, she did not know how to, she couldn’t eat for days, sleep or even peed, she just cried in bed, curled up all by herself, contemplated suicide.

“Hold up, did you say pee, I thought peeing is not a choice,” I interrupted her in shock.

“You’ve really never been heartbroken before, your body may literally shut down for as long as you want it to, but anyway I cried, maybe that helped,” she joked.

“I tried getting my stud back {she didn’t actually call him stud*}, I stalked him, faked emergencies and even begged him to come back. Two weeks into my plots, I realized he had another girlfriend. I had to move on. But I was pregnant, it was his baby, I did not want it, I did not want a reminder of him. I hustled every chance I got to look for money to get an abortion. I worked so hard that I got the chance to ignore what I actually felt. At the end of the day I was slummed, I was too tired to think so I kept my emotions in a hole.”

She finally saved up enough money to go to Marie Stopes. She told herself that this was the best thing to do for her baby and so she did. She walked into the clinic on his birthday, the stud, so that she would have one more chance to cry for him and it was done. That day she felt empty, she felt like cutting again, something she had overcome for quite a while.

“When was the first time you cut?” I quickly asked, now deeply engrossed into the story.

“It was actually the first time I realized that I was mental, I was on a sick leave in Form One and did not want to go back to school because I did not feel okay, mentally. I kept on having an urge to cut, and it was like psychotic, like someone repeating “cut” continuously in my head. So, I did cut, at first, it did not bleed, so I kept cutting. I did not realize that I had cut too much and I reached a vein. The blood was so much, I just remembered everything going dark and I woke up in the hospital.”

A week after, she was supposed to go back to school, her parents did not see that she was crying for help, they just assumed that she was a troubled child. On the day she was supposed to go back to school, she just opened the car door and fell out of the vehicle, Trevor Noah style {read the book}, except hers was voluntary and she wanted to feel the pain, fortunately, there was not much pain and she was still forcefully taken back to school.
She kept on cutting in high school.

“Initially, I thought I used to do it for fun but it was always triggered when I was in pain or really really lonely inside. Sometimes I had so much emotional pain, cutting and seeing the blood somehow felt like crying. My ex {the stud} helped me to stop cutting. He drew tattoos on me. Every time I was hurt and angry with him, he’d ask me to choose a tattoo and after he was done, I was no longer angry. I have a lot of tattoos. I had no need of cutting anymore, but I still think about it sometimes, like this week, I felt like cutting.”

After the abortion she finally felt like she could move on, she started running to blow off some steam. She was working hard at herself to try to get rid of the darkness that was engulfing her soul, she started seeing all the red flags that had been in her relationship, the tattoos, the constant manipulation and she asked herself questions. Questions like how she always ended up with such men in her life, she realized that she craved any kind of attention, and she worked with what she got. Her father being absent in most of her childhood had left a void in her life and at the time, that was the best way she knew how to fill it. A love to replace that she grew without.

“Pain meds and alcohol also helped me numb the pain I felt, despite the realization and the progress I had, I also relapsed, I still do. I can have insomnia for up to four days straight, I just stay awake. On the fourth day I get so cranky and those who get me just hug me and make me feel like I’ll be okay. I am a loner, so sometimes I just crave my personal space, I run from people, I do not answer calls, I just drift into my own world, cry and talk to Jah.”

“Is there a stigma around it,” I asked sadly that our time is almost up.

“Yes, especially from parents up to this point, they do not understand, some people treat me differently once I let them in, but I’m grateful that over the years I have found real friends, who have been through so much. They are my support system, I share, not only because I can but because sharing helps me and also helps them see that they are not alone in this thing, because it can get lonely out there.”

Exercise, weed, friends, and Jah, help her cope. She still has bad days but she also has good days.

“once, I found weed, I stopped abusing other drugs, alcohol and the meds became a thing of the past and nine years later, it is still something that I do not regret.”

As we wind up, she tells me stories of how she used to find herself in strange houses with dents in the morning after drinking too much, she tells me about the million fake friends she has gone through before she goes through the real ones she has and she looks like today she’s got this thing figured out.

If you have any real-life experiences you would like to share please feel free to email me at dodunims@gmail.com

To all our Muslim friends Eid Mubarak to you and your loved ones!

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