GIVING WITHOUT TAKING.
Guest Writer: Sharon
None of us start out to be bad parents, no one starts out with a mind to fail. We all begin out with a promise to be the best parents in the world, after the shock of the news passes anyway.😁
Most days we feel the fulfillment of being parents and other days the burden of being responsible for another human being is overwhelming.
We all came into parenthood in so many different ways; ‘the right way’🤔 doing the whole dance, meet a nice man get engaged then married and wallah! A bundle of joy👶.
Some of us did things the other way round, nice man, baby then marriage, others just babies with no nice men😅😒. Sometimes we make mistakes too nice man marriage and a little too ‘friendly’ friend 🤪🤪 and a baby and other times the babies are forced on us by what’s considered criminal.
All in all the kids we are blessed with mean the world to us, we set out to love them equally and raise them the best way we know how, as much as there is no written law on how best to go about it. There are no swimming lessons in parenthood all there is, is being thrown into the deep end with the option of swim or drown.😑
We promise to love all our kids equally and treat each and every one of them the same. The intention is there but the will sometimes is corrupted somehow, I mean we just mere humans too. You look at one of your kids and you can relate to them, you can understand their way of thinking 🤩and you look at the other kid and you wonder who they could be🤭, it’s like you both from different worlds and the feeling of defeat and the repetitive sound of ‘you will never understand him/her’ got you drifting before you know it.😢😢
Children like everything else in this world are different and sometimes even as a parent we fall short. Some actions can be justified by the fact that some children need more attention and care than others and sometimes we simply fall short and it’s just simple favouritism. Even Abraham and Jacob did it 😬.
Understanding that some children hit the ground running and hand holding is never necessary as they mostly fearless and just like everybody else they will make mistakes, and maybe then we get to swoop in and help correct the mistakes and if we lucky/unlucky depending on how you want to see it, they don’t need us at all and we get to see them pick themselves up like none of that happened.😁😁
Others just need a little more attention, a little more handholding and a little more push before they can become the people they are meant to be.
I always knew I would do the best I could to understand my children and raise them the best way I knew how. At 18, I had plans, plans that would ensure I ended on top of the world until one day I had to pause and make a choice. A decade later and I still wonder if I had made the right decision, every so often I play the different scenarios in my head and most days I can’t decide.
Now I get to see my son on holidays or when I can make it to visit him in school and I hate it when he calls me by name, I know I chose that path but I did push him into this world, shouldn’t that count for something. I guess not, atleast not when you willingly sign your rights over to someone else.🥺
I made a decision of giving the baby up for adoption as soon as he/she was born and my parents made a decision of their own. That’s how we got shipped across the country, my mother changing jobs and I schools just so no one could know that the baby wasn’t really my mother’s, atleast no one that knew us in our old life.😢
Nine months later we come back home and my mother has a new baby son at 44. October 24, at 10am my mother asked me one last time if I was sure I wanted to give her my son to raise and care for him as her own and I was sure that was the right thing to do then. As we left the hospital, I remember she only asked one thing of me.
WE SHALL NEVER TALK ABOUT THIS AGAIN.
Over the years have been counting how many times the issue has come up and one decade later I can with no doubt say NEVER. Not on his birthdays or his doctors visits or when he had to undergo minor surgeries to correct a few birth defects and certainly not on his first day at school.
Like a stalker am obsessed with my little boy but I will never do anything about it because to me part of being a parent to someone is putting their needs ahead of mine. To consider their happiness before yours, to always put them first and yourself second.
He is happy with my parents, they treat him just like they treat all of us and despite the occasional comments people make about the age gaps between us my mother never feels obligated or ashamed to want to correct them.
ONE regret though, is I never told my sons father that I was pregnant for him. I knew he wasn’t the one, which left two unknowns; what if he rejects me and the baby and what If he wanted us to have the baby and be a family.
I know selfish of me but in the end I did what was best for me at the time but it was in line with his best interests. If he had said no to me, I would have probably recented him and in return did something I never wanted to do like abort but if he said yes, I would have probably hated them both because they would have been a snag to all my plans.
But now, our child is raised with two adults with enough experience seeing as they raised five kids of their own who turned out alright. He is loved by two parents just like his friends at school. Ain’t that the whole point, wanting what’s best for your child even if the best doesn’t involve you?
That’s just me, I had to give up my parental rights to my son for his own good, he may hate me someday for it but I will never regret giving birth to him or giving him up, I get to see him grow, help him grow whenever I can, occasionally discipline him and above all love him.
But that’s not the only way people experience the joys of parenthood, mothers and fathers around the globe have become parents to people they not biologically related to, they love them, they provide for them and they become family for them, bonds of parenthood can be experienced in different versions including adoptions.🙂🙂
The way you got into parenthood, doesn’t matter especially when the love is true, the worrying is constant and the struggle is real nothing else matters.
You meet them in life and the moment you lay eyes on them you know right there and then that you would lay down your life for them, and that you love them no matter what.
They out of your sight and you get an ulcer from worrying too much about them, did they eat well, did they get home safe, are they OK, what will happen when they get their first heartbreak, will they feel comfortable enough to include us in their lives or will they grow up and no longer need us.
You take what is yours and you change it into there’s, everything you got for yourself goes to them first, you miss out on all this life excitements just because you think they should be the ones excited. And that’s all you can really do, put them first no matter the pain.
You wake up every day do the same things over and over in the hopes that one day they will leave and go into the world and you would have prepared them enough to make it on their own. Sometimes it comes true and sometimes they become people you never expected them to be, you get disappointed, sometimes you blame yourself for how it all turned out but the kids will settle into some skin we barely understand.
NATURE VS NUTURE.🙃🙃
Stay tuned for more. You survived another week. We did it yeey keep believing.
Happy mother’s day We are grateful. Thank you!