CRY OF MY WOMB.
There goes baby number four, I named him LEO after my Scorpio. Being a mother has always been my dream since I was a little girl and by the time I was done with high school I had read all the motherhood books, journals and articles I could lay my hands on. I worked as a baby sitter during the holidays because I enjoyed taking care of my neighbors’ kids and I was really good at it, it was always something I took pride in.
I always saw myself married to a nice man in finance, a house in the suburbs raising 4 kids; preferably 2girls and 2boys since have always been a stickler for balanced equations. A big house filled with laughter and happiness to mirror and silence the loneliness I felt growing up as an only child. Life is ironic, when it’s not meant to happen then it doesn’t because no matter what you do including spending hours and hours a day building on the dream as I have for 10years, doctor’s appointments and all the money in the world it seems like life enjoys to give me lemons.
I’m a mother, a mother to three dead children (stillbirths). Kimberly, Kyle and Cian and today marks the fourth tragedy of my life. Today I have become a mother for the fourth time in ten years yet I have nothing to show for it, I can’t help but wonder. Maybe all this is my fault, maybe I am being punished or maybe I would have made a bad mother but what did I ever do to deserve this?
I can’t give up, have done everything I was supposed to do, have prayed every day for a miracle for the last decade and every time I think He has heard me, I lose another child and end up right where I started, the trying to get pregnant part.
As a mother, I have mourned continuously for so many years. I have tried everything even unconventional means, have been to the best OBGYN that money could buy, have considered traditional means. Every child I have lost has created an emptiness in my heart, I am worried there is absolutely nothing left.
I wake up every day, tired before I can even put my feet on the floor, I’m exhausted from the sadness and it feels like I might run out of tears soon, I am fading away little by little and am afraid nobody is noticing it. At the end of every pregnancy, I have promised myself that would be the last but I can’t stop, I can’t stop myself from holding out hope against all my doctor’s advice that one day my time will come and by His will, I will carry to term.
I know there are other different ways of becoming a mom including adoption but every time I start the adoption process or think about it, it breaks my heart because it feels like an attempt to erase the memories of my children who have passed on and getting another child to substitute the emptiness I feel deep down will be both a mistake and unfair to me and the child because I know I’m not at that point emotionally.
I should start getting used to the emptiness and learn to accept that the possibility of my dreams coming true is lower, much lower than the possibility of needing new plans that do not involve biological children but as of today I rather keep living the dream that has eventually turned into my nightmare. I know it sounds delirious but I take the congratulations I get when am asked how many kids I have because my answer is always four. They all admire my resilience before I can explain that none of them has lived to see the light of day.
Special thanks to Sharon for writting this piece.
Cheers to all the mothers who would give everything for their children.
Have a lovely weekend!