ROSES OF THORNS
I can sit here and write about how amazing motherhood is and it might be true but it is never really as black and white. If you want a rose you ought to be ready to deal with its thorns.
I for one am a proud single mother to twins. My boys are my greatest joy but they also my greatest sadness. They both were born with physical deformities and as soon as their dad noticed he split as fast as he could.
I have raised gentlemen, if I may say, but that didn’t happen overnight, it has taken tears, lots of tears, sleepless nights, patience and all my worth. If you Ask me the names of all medical specialists both in our area of residence and in the country at large, I will list them according to the several times have seen them and the tab they gave me.
For my boys, I have had to ask for financial help from everyone have ever met and still have come short every time. I have lost friends or people I thought were true friends, my family members have distanced themselves and now I lay in bed at night with a phone, enough credit but nobody to call, nobody to talk to when I am happy or when I’m sad and overwhelmed. The only people left in my life are the nurses from the pediatric critical care unit and the specialists I get to see every so often and there goes any hope of having a social life because not even the good guys I meet bother to stick around for the second date on hearing I not only have two kids but both are handicapped.
The closest thing I have to family is the taxi guy a few blocks from my house for emergencies especially during the wee hours of the night. Most days I wake up feeling blessed especially those that I and my boys have had a good night and one glance at their beautiful smiles washes away my sorrows. At that moment, the world is set right but not all days are that good and even the good days have a problem; they don’t last that’s why I always take a memory picture of those moments, store them at the back of my mind for future use. When everyone asks how I get through the other days my answer is always the same “I just close my eyes and travel back in time to the good times and by the time I’m done with memory lane the worst is always over.”
I would be lying if I didn’t point out that there are days I don’t want to get out of bed, days that am not in a hurry to get to the next doctor’s appointment, days I struggle to find a baby sitter just for a few hours just to have some time to myself. The impure thoughts of leaving all this behind have crossed my mind more times than I like to admit, my go-to thought is what will happen if one day I just dropped them outside some church and walked away? I always feel an overwhelming feeling of freedom, for a split second, a new beginning, a clean slate to start all over but usually as I start to engage the thought, another one comes along and in that thought, I can’t see anyone in this world who would love and care for my boys better than me.
So often than not, I forgive myself for thinking I would be happier without my two blessings and I keep hoping that one day we will all be free to hold the rose petals without having to deal with the thorns that come along with it.
This is part of the stories of different mothers, going through different experiences.
I know its late, but Happy mother’s day to all mothers and fathers who act like mothers.